Commencement Speech

I was challenged to write a commencement speech. So here you have it.

Thank you for letting me speak today to the class of 2011. It is an honor and a privilege to be with you and your loved ones today. I hope my words will bring you insight and footing for your journey ahead.

I wish I could say that the rest of your life will be a page from Dr. Seuss' Oh, The Places You Will Go! but I would be lying to you if I told you that. As a matter of fact, I believe Dr. Seuss was terribly wrong in filling your heads with these silly notions that you will be so incredibly brilliant that the rest of your life will be amazing. Horse $h!t!

In the next few months you will discover that not everyone gets a trophy. As a matter of fact, most people will receive a pink slip more than any corporate reward. Your promotion will not depend on your merits or the thousands of dollars of education you received from this fine institution, but rather depend on who's a$$ you kissed or who you slept with to get you to a higher level. I do not suggest doing either of those, but there are plenty who have made their way to the top using such nefarious means.

Your generation has been hovered over and raised to believe you are incredibly special. This, in fact, is once again horse $h!t. You know very little regarding the workings of the real world unless you have been working your way through college. All that stuff you regurgitated from the $150 textbooks is nothing more than theory from an aging hippie who sells pie-in-th-sky ideas for profit. He cares little about you and will not remember you after you leave unless you had big boobs.

You are special, just like the 6.2 billion other people in the world. As a matter of fact you are incredibly common, pampered and disillusioned. You will not run the company in 6 months, 6 years or 6 decades. Look around the neighborhood you grew up in. How many of those people are running companies, making millions and living a life of fame and fortune?

Life is hard. It forces you to make difficult decisions. It beats you down, makes you feel inadequate and scars you as an old wound from a lover.

What words, then, can I offer to keep you from slitting your throat after this speech? I will offer you this in a few sentences.

First, you are not common, but that does not mean you have to act that way. You choose and you decide how you treat people and the decisions you will have to live with. I have learned that helping people advances my inner peace more than anything.

Second, sharing is good despite what the world tells you. Give something. It is uncommon to do that.

Next, fail and fail often. Your generation has not been allowed to fail and therefore has not been allowed to learn from their mistakes. Failing is beneficial to learning only if you take the time to learn from your mistakes.

Continuing, time is a precious natural resource. It cannot be saved, hoarded or mined and insists, like a tyrant, that it be used and depleted. Therefore, spend it wisely and generously because the common phrase, "I can save some time," is again, horse $h!t.

Finally, you deserve nothing. God placed you on this planet with a real purpose and objective and yours is not nearly as grand as His. Invest that time, sharing and love into Him and there is no amount of riches you will ever receive that will compare to the peace and joy you desire on this planet.

I hope I have sobered you up to the way the world works. I would have done you a disservice to stand here and tell you that everyone gets a trophy and everything will be marshmallows, unicorns and rainbows the rest of your life. It will not, but cherish those marshmallows when they come for they are sweet and light.

I wish you the best I possibly can and encourage you as you leave to spend the time you've been given in the most appropriate way possible.

Thank you.